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I passed out in the fog with two blocks left to walk. a stranger woke me up, sleeping on a power box. my blood flowed slow until reaching my knuckles then froze. this wouldn't be the first time I hid my hands embarrassed. wearing my gloves indoors to cover up the band aids. you've been there too & always gotten through.
we got each other drunk in the corner of a basement. nervously holding hands during the walk home. I said "I love this place", but I wonder am I just too fucking stubborn to recognize the aspects I hate?
but every time you only see what you don't want instead of what you want & everyone around you only hates the same things you do, not loves the same things; we're resigned to define ourselves by all the shit we can't take.
I picked my scabs off in my sleep & woke up scared from the worst dreams but you were there next to me. so I held on but not knowing where my arms go, put one around you & one underneath the pillow.
now two weeks later checking my bedsheets for lice. I spill my beer on the mattress & pass out with the lights still on.
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2. |
blacked out tattoos
02:54
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originally written & forgotten by blair dubecki.
I don't want to ever leave your room. it's too scary outside I need you. sky's been crying so please drive slow. if you want I'll walk you home or maybe we can meet up in toronto & head out for the coast? you can show me where the river's go. we'll build an a-frame with our bones.
I'm scared of all the people who I used to call friends. I'm scared of how to answer when they ask me how I've been. I've lied to far too many who would have never lied to me. I've wasted far too many dollars. am I wasting time with my honesty?
why can't we all believe in ourselves enough to get through life alone? why isn't everybody given a chance, a home?
& if you want to run away I'll be ready to go. we can catch a fast train or head out on the road. drive a thousand hours with someone we don't know...
I promise by the time we reach the ocean your heart will feel at home.
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3. |
NSLC punk
02:55
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I can feel you judging me. slurring my words surrounded by floating jaw bones that speak well rehearsed rhetoric but predictably bleak. I'm staring through your freckles & towards the sink full of dirty cutlery & ashed out on plates; the tiny failures we can't help but repeat. knee deep in the sewage waste of your words ill intent. sinking peninsula for all of my friends.
& if you all weren't watching I'd probably keep drinking & continue ignoring advice from the old me. just like you I'm not sure where my ideas fit into the picture of everyone working together to roll cigarettes & dissect all of the rumours, to give up on something you never really helped start.
I'm sitting on a tire in a parking lot with a dog I don't know. a tall can between my legs after four weeks of constant downpour. I swear that the next time the sun comes out I'm biking north to sit by the basin & watch engines pull freight in. to hope that this season was more than just evictions & rain.
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4. |
"when you were a boy"
02:35
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window open. below weather. knee deep snowbanks. the ice & frost melts & breaks into shapes of states & north eastern maps. the inland sea starts to recede & deposits me deep under shale. maritime provinces drawn on my honest skin with birthmarks & dotted towns. ideas sewn into hair by a couple of close friends. the arctic circle escape explained through collect calls from a brooklyn phone. I sing to the cold & it shows me my breath & the slowest highway home.
I'm trying not to explain between song lyrics, mannerisms or the same name, connections with a face that I'll never see. like the two drunkest people in the room slow dancing to the jangle of their keys; it won't be remembered.
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5. |
young ones fuck up
02:13
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I met you in the spring time in the backyard of a punk house. offered you an ice cream sandwich & introduced myself. you drove from alberta in a van with your best friend. both our bands played shows & we traded our old records. you stayed for a whole month in the house I used to live in. smoking too many cigarettes & trying to forget all the secrets that you hid. I could see right through it & a couple times while drunk you told me bits & pieces about where you had come from. I had no idea how deep the pain went. I didn't know you well enough but tried to understand.
& I sung your songs in my head a month after you left.
a couple months went past & I saw you again in edmonton. everything seemed worse. sleeping on the couches of old friends because your house keys were back sunk in the atlantic. it was hard to talk. you seem confused. cursing all the numbered streets you knew & buying the cheapest six pack you could afford. feeling trapped by what was familiar. suppressing all of your desires & knowing the truth but choosing not to act, but you're much stronger than that.
I know you will get through.
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6. |
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weakerthans cover. I slightly altered a line or two. I love this band so much...
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7. |
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8. |
prescription refill
03:09
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the sun came up as soon as I calmed down. one more tall can & I'm drunk on an empty stomach again. as I stumbled home, frozen cheeks, breathing slow. pacing along the harbour through the morning snow. I wanted to jump in & freeze to death swimming away from the habits & speech patterns we used to share.
snuck in again & my dog is still asleep. filled up with meds. dizzy & wasted crawling into bed. & I spent this season vomiting up reasons. my bile on your sweatshirt translating the feeling of hopeless directions separating friendships.
I'm not afraid to die. I'm scared of being left behind.
now I miss the faults I shared with you. secret morning beers. mistakes you can't undo, like when you got arrested for stealing us breakfast or I spent three months stoned in bed watching netflix. I'm fucked up & so afraid of myself. why can't I explain the pain in my arms or the nine pounds I lost or my suicidal thoughts?
so please try to remember to always drink water. you deserve better than what you think you do. get lost in fantasy novels if you need to pretend you're anyone or anywhere else. whatever you need to do to keep yourself here.
burn all your bridges. fill up prescriptions. stand naked crying amongst/despite all your scars.
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9. |
pity
03:36
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written & forgotten by blair lauren dubecki.
I wish I didn't have a family. someone please break into my home. kill all of them & then kill me. I wish I never took that last train home. I'd be miles from here, lost & alone.
I wish when I was just a baby my mother had gone & just killed me. she had the guts to fuck dad up & leave him for dead. mom didn't think I was watching then.
with these burning bridges now just dust, have pity on them. have pity on me. we're not dying fast enough.
I could leave here right now & walk miles to the sunrise.
I wish they'd all fall asleep & never wake up. is that asking too much?
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the official suckers Halifax, Nova Scotia
"the official suckers do not suck. i imagine most of the kids at the show think they suck the least out of everyone who
played. for such intricate songs, with lyrics which don't rhyme, i was amazed by how many people knew all the words..." - show review by byron.
//
fairy boy started with a sad gender fluid teen obsessed with the weakerthans who couldn't sing so she screamed instead.
2006 - 2013
... more
the official suckers recommends:
the most beautiful girl playing the saddest songs. beyon is a shy jackalope with a heart full of magic & gold. "behind your eyes there is perfect weather"
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my tough as nails brothers playing beautiful, self reflective songs. miss you kids so badly. "I remember how it felt when I said & I meant that your head on my chest made my history hurt less"
go to albumIf you like the official suckers, you may also like:
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I love that I always calls me back to it.
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Summer sounds from San Luis Obispo just waiting for a backyard BBQ, mason jar cocktails, and fairy lights.
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Sorry I'm So Sensitive
by Bea Stewart
The second EP from Northern Irish singer-songwriter Bea Stewart runs from gentle folk to pillowy pop ballads, all perfectly executed.
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